When was the last time that you allowed yourself to indulge in pleasure without feeling the need to deserve or earn it?
I was on a a Clubhouse convo that really made me think back to what pleasure has meant to me and being able to indulge in pleasure without feeling guilty about it. It was a conversation that really resonated with me because pleasure was something that was never discussed around nor to me as a young woman growing up.
I was raised by women (mom, grandmother, and aunts - truly a village) who taught myself and my cousins to always look the part. It was never explained to us to look the part as an act of pleasure for ourselves, but to have a poised and clean look for others. My mother was very critical about my appearance, I felt that she expected perfection from me. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I had the balls to ask that she stop projecting on to me. We then realized the criticism that she subjected me to was exactly what my grandmother did to her - and was exactly what my grandmother’s mom did to her. Look at us, getting to the root and breaking generational traumas!
I’ve been seeing a lot of yippity yapp on the Twitter and IG about normalizing black women in luxury. It was really odd to me because I don’t understand the need to “normalize” what a black woman chooses to do FOR herself to be normalized. It ain’t nobody’s damn business. And what the hell about a woman doing nice things for herself needs to be normalized?
Black women are seen as nurturers, givers, and healers. Many of us are taught that any form of choosing ourselves is an act of selfishness. That’s bullshit! Let me tell you this beloved, you’ve heard this before - you can’t pour into anyone from an empty vessel.
How your vessel is replenished is really based on the urgency and consistency in which you pour back into yourself. Yes, people can pour back into us - but I believe that how we love ourselves is how we set the standard for the love that we require from others.
What does pleasure look like to you? Is it intentional? Do you indulge in it freely or do you second guess yourself every time?
Pleasure for me looks like whatever my mind, body, or spirit desires - i’m going to fulfill that. I used to feel like I had to earn these things. I then realized that it was a flawed way of thinking.
Pleasure for me can be as simple as taking a bubble bath while listening to Anita Baker with the lights off and candles lit.
Pleasure for me is getting dressed, doing my hair and make up - to go nowhere, or somewhere. Looking good makes me feel good. Notnfor anyone other than myself, tbh.
Pleasure for me is sometimes sensual. Whether it’s self pleasure or with my man.
On the topic of sexual pleasure - I think that it’s important to be intentional. Speak up! Say what you want, where, and how. Far too many women are not being pleased by their partners because either they don’t know what their preferences are OR they are afraid of saying something. Learning your body is something that I believe every woman should do. That way, you know yourself more than any person could. That is a superpower. If you know, you know!
This may piss off “The LLC’ers” but pleasure for me is also buying a designer piece (or 2.). Pleasure is purely subjective, and if buying property or adding to your brokerage account is pleasurable to you - there is nothing wrong with either.
It is imperative that we as black women take a break from always putting everyone first. So here’s a challenge. I challenge you to dedicate some uninterrupted pleasure time to yourself. Whatever pleasure looks and feels like to you. In those moments, I’d like for you to sit there and savor the feels, thoughts, and emotions that comes with it. It is my prayer that those feelings of joy will always pull you back, and that you never feel guilty about it
Cheers to you, for choosing you! You deserve, sis!