“I’m Not Going”: Familial Fellowship, Boundaries, and Accountability

Yall remember the movie Soul Food?

I was 7 years old when that movie came out. Of course at that time I didn’t realize what was really going on. I do know that it was some real peculiar situations going on in that lil family. Which makes me reconsider how dysfunctional my family is. Maybe we aren’t really that bad.

I see memes all over social media about the successful auntie with no kids that rarely shows up for family functions, and I honesty feel like that’s what i’m becoming.

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The most uncomfortable thing that i’ve experienced as it relates to me evolving is the fact that as you grow, you tend to outgrow people. This has happened with friends - and that shit hurts. It takes more life learning to understand how to deal with situations like that when they arise.

I had to understand that as a complex being - everyone around me will not always be where I am (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). To be a well rounded individual you must have people that pour into you as well as people that you can pour into. It’s never about being better than anyone.

Lift as you climb.

Ok…cool. Lesson mastered…or so I thought.

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Imagine the discomfort I felt when I realized that my family dynamic has either changed so much that I feel like a foreigner with them OR it’s simply a setting that boxes me in.

Two values that are super important to me - do not align with my family.

Accountability and boundaries.

I honestly don’t recall these principles being talked about growing up. Like ever.

The whole excusing peoples’ flawed and sometimes ugly behavior isn’t optional around me. The “that’s just how [they] are” mindset is a toxic coddling method that far too many families engage in. I am the queen of calling people out on their bullshit, respectfully. I have a duty to hold myself accountable so I’m definitely holding those around me to that same standard.

Boundaries. Many people are really lost when you explain that to them. People who are both vocal and actionable about their boundaries are typically viewed as “too damn sensitive”.

It’s me.

Let me provide an example for you. Do you ever go to a family function and the first thing a person says to you is something in regards to your physical appearance: weight, clothing, hair, etc? It’s never “How are you feeling today?” “Do you need anything?”

That shit blows me. It’s rude and let’s you know just where a person’s mind is. It is so important to me to be cognizant of the words that I use with people. I don’t associate myself with negative minded individuals, You can be both outspoken and tactful. People don’t understand that. Everyone wants to be heard, but no one wants to listen. Things are swept under instead of resolved.

Yea…we not doing that in the year of our Lord 2019. Nor to infinity and beyond tbh.

I intentionally operate out of genuine love and the moment that I feel an uneasy vibe - I gracefully detach myself for a healthy distance and to maintain my peace.

I have to deal with people whose intentions I never know are pure Monday - Friday. I’m not doing that with people I am related to.

So that’s why…i’m not going.

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Leave that Job Sis!